hahah so i spent my christmas being a pile.
woke up at 1. sat around for a half hour. had a friend suprise me by dropping off a christmas present prior to leaving for vacation. showered because i was utterly disgusting, good thing i had a hood on when my friend stopped by. and then logged a solid 12 hours of television time.
most of which was with my dad.
first half of the spurs/suns game. followed by the bourne ultimatum. followed by a house marathon. followed by grey's anatomy. followed by private practice. followed by random television nonsense on in the background.
only getting up to grab more food or to use the bathroom.

probably my most solid christmas in awhile :)

[things that i have become weary of]

the taste of robitussin dm
sinus infections and all the symptoms that come with it
hunger pains
being a rolemodel
being a leader
my house being much colder than my room at school
aching joints -- particularly my knees, right now
being responsible
taking care of myself
caring. period.
judgemental people
being judged
friends that don't make an effort
needy people
contact lenses
glasses
[american] society's view that thin is beautiful
acne
chapped lips
my own thoughts
being categorized
being stereotyped
expectations
cold weather
nostalgia
breaking up with best friends
losing best friends
growing apart
arguing
feeling sad
feeling angry
feeling disappointed
feeling hurt
feeling broken
the taste of honey-lemon cough drops
family
cafeteria food
gossip
trusting others
things that are easier said than done
the scratch on the lens of my camera
planning things
things that aren't planned well enough
my left index finger's inability to bend much on its own
being told what to do
not knowing what to do
bad listeners
annoying people
being moody
school
break
troy
being awake at 4.36am
overbearing parents
underachieving siblings
self-serving people
cockiness
pda
unwanted reality
being tired

ohh late night blogging

i havent done this in awhile. i keep wanting to say stuff. and i'll get half a post down. and then think i'm being too [insert adjective here], so i just delete it. perhaps this one will stick.

[from postsecret.com]

i feel like i've been waiting for a lot. and its made me feel very uneasy and anxious.
i'm not entirely sure what exactly i've been waiting for.
i know part of it is just peace and quiet.
this year has been far from relaxing.
there are constantly people in my room, weve had as many as 14 in my room. and though i live in a triple, its really not that big [i dont know the size of a triple but our doubles are only 11x12 or so].  and for the most part, i dont mind them being there. but sometimes i wish i could guarantee more time to myself. i savor the chances i get in the room by myself or with only a close friend or two.
because everything is just hectic. all the time.

so this is my life. 15 credits with two incredibly reading intensive classes. one of my classes requires service learning [which is volunteering and takes up an extra 3 hours of my life when you include travel]. i'm in a group that talks about race in education. volunteering downstairs in the gym so that i force myself to work out at least twice a week and  a cheaper gym pass. and kcf i think i've figured out is like a solid 10+ hours of time a week.

now dont get me wrong, i love everything i'm doing. i get to tutor refugees at my service learning. i've grown to be really passionate about combating racial issues and learning more and more about them, plus that mix of people in the group and my instructor who runs it just makes it incredibly fun. working out has become a nice release of stress for me. and kcf, well, despite problems i may have with it, for the most part, i like my responsibilities.

but with everything, i think i've lost touch with a lot. my sanity, patience, and friends being the top three [not necessarily in that order].
i'm always stressed about something. currently, its my exam tomorrow and two papers due later this week. as well as small groups tomorrow [i love the people in my small group, but i feel like i dont have the time to make a solid effort to be a good leader and thus it stresses me to lead small groups]. and kcf's having a praise and prayer night on friday, which i'm excited for but it means extra praise band practices. i mean, i have fun at practices. but again, two papers being due this week means not so much free time.

and then all this stress leads me to being impatient and easily annoyed. and my already harsh personality crosses over to real harshness as opposed to just sarcastic harshness, or so the reactions of others leads me to believe.

ive also become a hermit basically whenever i get the chance. life is so loud that i think i've lost my ability to be a half decent friend. i dont know how to find the time to be there for others, because if i do, i give up having any time at all to myself. maybe selfish, maybe my sanest decision of the semester. i dont know really know. but it kills me a little bit everyday. i used to pride myself in being able to be there for others anytime, day or night, and being good about checking in on them. and though, i still willingly listen, its only if they come to me. i no longer take the initiative. and i am ashamed that that's who ive become. but i don't know how to do things differently anymore.

so i sit here waiting.
waiting for sanity.
waiting for quiet.
waiting for [a] break.
waiting as patiently as i know how.